


Part of Your World

by jessisaurus



Category: Glee, Glee RPF, StarKid Productions RPF
Genre: Depression, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 09:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessisaurus/pseuds/jessisaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An angsty CrissColfer fic set at the close of glee S4. Darren has feelings for Chris but gets rejected in the worst possible way. The result is a very downtrodden and depressed Darren Criss. Can the Starkids help Darren before things get too bad? And what will come of Chris and Darren's relationship? Will they ever be able to rekindle their friendship?</p><p>Warning: This fic deals with depression. If this makes you uncomfortable, I would suggest you skip this fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Getting Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is a piece that's been brewing in my head for a while and I finally decided to write it down last week. With the help of my lovely temporary beta, MsKelseyLove, here is Part of Your World.
> 
> Bonus points (in the form of virtual hugs and ice cream flavor of your choice) for anyone who reviews. No really, review are so much appreciated! Reviews are really so much more gratifying than just alerts, so if you liked this story or just want to give some constructive criticism, please leave a review. Special Bonus points (you get a virtual cookie too!) for anyone who can spot a Lion King reference!
> 
> Disclaimer: For all intents and purposes, all characters and events in this story are completely fictional.
> 
> Warning: the fic is rated T for swearing later and descriptions of depressive behavior.

Dianna walks with purpose to her costar's trailer on the Paramount lot on a Friday afternoon. She's just overheard a conversation and the topic needed to be addressed pronto. She knocks a few times, and a moment later, the trailer's occupant opens the door.

Darren's hair is messy and he looks tired, his eyes momentarily light up and sparkle until he realizes who it is.

"Hey Di. Can I help you?" he asks.

"No need to be so welcoming, Dare," she replies. "Can I come in?"

The curly-headed glee star simply moves aside so she can walk up the few steps into the trailer.

Darren dumps himself onto the couch and Dianna sits down gently next to him.

"What's wrong, Darren?" she asks without any pretense.

"Nothing's wrong," he replies, looking at her knees rather than her face.

"Don't give me that, Dare. You're a great actor, but you can't hide this anymore. I can see how unhappy you are. We're friends, Darren. Right?" He nods so she continues. "Friends are supposed to trust each other. So trust me, and tell me what's wrong," she explains gently. "Please?"

"There's nothing to tell. I'm fine."

"I see the way you look at him, ya know, when you think no one's looking. You don't have to hide it, Darren," Dianna says, tired of  _waiting_   _for_  an answer.

His brow creases in worry for a moment, before relaxing slightly into a sullen expression as he looks down at the floor, and continues to avoid her eyes..

"Why won't you just tell him, Dare?" Dianna asks, resting a hand on his knee.

"I don't know how. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter because he doesn't feel the same way."

"You don't know that, though," the blond answers. "You don't see how  _he_  looks at  _you_ , Darren. He looks at you the exact same way."

"He'd never want to be with me. I'm just the weird goofball that everyone tolerates but doesn't really like."

"Who said that, Darren? Whoever it is is about to get a stern talking to from me. You are not  _tolerated,_  Darren. You are loved. So what if you're a goofball? That's never stopped Chris from loving you before. You guys are best friends. There's no reason why he wouldn't like you as more than that. And you'll never know until you try, right?"

"I guess," Darren replies dejectedly, shrugging.

"If I tell you something, would you keep it a secret?" Dianna suddenly asks, switching gears slightly.

"Of course," Darren says instantly, sitting up straighter.

"I think I like Lea. It's a problem though, because she's with Cory, and because I'm a girl," Dianna explains rapidly, grimacing to herself. "What do I do?"

Darren purses his lips and thinks for a moment. Then, putting his hand on Dianna's shoulder, he forces a smile.

"How about this: if I tell Chris, you'll tell Lea. Take your own advice, right? Worse comes to worse, we get shot down. If that happens, we'll meet up together and cry and eat greasy, delicious food and have a movie marathon. Deal?"

He flashes his charming goofball smile and holds out his pinky finger to her.

Dianna smiles and links her pinky with his.

* * *

The next day, Darren meets Dianna in her trailer to hear about Dianna's conversation with Lea earlier that day.

Sitting down on the couch, Dianna begins her story.

"Well, I think that I sort of freaked her out. I was being really quiet around her and I think she thought there was something like, seriously wrong with me or something until I explained myself. Anyway, I told her that we're good friends already but that I'd been developing more serious feelings for her and didn't want to scare her away but that I felt like I had to tell her since Glee's almost over," Dianna explained, nervously. "She gave me a hug and thanked me for telling her. She said that at the moment, obviously, she's with Cory, but if the chance were ever to arise, she would definitely let me know. Obviously she said it much more articulately than I just did, but you get the point."

She shrugged sadly and Darren gave her one-armed hug and then rubbed her back.

"Have you talked to Chris, yet?"

Darren shook his head slightly, looking down at the floor.

"Well, you know where to find me if you wanna talk when you do. Okay?"

The curly-headed actor nodded once to show he understood but said nothing, still looking at the floor.

* * *

The following day, Darren stands outside of Chris's trailer, trying to calm himself down.

' _Relax. You can do this. Di said he looks at you the same way you look at him so your chances are good, right? But don't go in expecting anything either or else you'll get your hopes up.'_ He takes a deep breath.  _'You can do this.'_

He knocks on the door, waits for Chris to answer, and then gets invited inside by his friend.

"Hey, Darren. What's up?" Chris asks brightly.

"Oh, uh, not much," Darren replies, suddenly nervous again.

He hopes Chris won't notice how on-edge he is, but no such luck.

"What wrong, Dare?" Chris asks, worried for his friend.

"Oh, um, I- I wanted to talk to you about something, actually," Darren forces out.

"Oh, okay. Shoot," the other man replies, seeming less worried.

Darren tries to steady his breathing. He feels like he's going to pass out if he doesn't get some air into his lungs  _now._  After what feels like both a year and an instant, he opens his mouth to speak.

"Ilikeyou."

"Hmm?" Chris looks confused, thinking maybe he heard his friend wrong.

Darren slows his breathing enough to repeat himself.

"I like you."

Chris looks confused still so Darren continues.

"I have feelings for you. Romantic, more-than-just-friends feelings. I know you probably don't return them but it's been eating me up inside not telling you, so I'm telling you now: I like you," Darren explains in one long breath.

There's silence, so he opens his mouth to repeat himself again, afraid that maybe he somehow wasn't understood, but Chris raises a hand to stop him.

"I can't be with you, Darren, I'm sorry."

"So you  _don't_ return my feelings," Darren says, trying to keep breathing regularly. "That's alright. I'm not offended or anything. I didn't really expect you to feel the same way, honestly, I just needed to tell you before I exploded."

He's rambling. He knows that he's rambling but Chris isn't saying anything and for some reason it feels like someone should be saying  _something_  so he's taking it upon himself to speak even if he's not quite sure what he's even saying anymore- hopefully nothing stupid.

"I'm sorry, Darren, I just can't be with you," Chris repeats.

"But you  _do_ have feelings for me? I mean, you didn't say you  _didn't_  so…" Darren asks, trying to figure out what's going on. God, if only he could read minds, this would be so much easier right now! He notices that Chris hasn't answered his question. "You do have feelings for me. Just like Di…" he trails off. "But if you feel the same way, what's the problem?"

Darren feels really naïve asking this, as if he's missed some crucial point that everyone else besides him knows.

"You wouldn't understand," Chris answers quickly, stalking to the couch.

"What wouldn't I understand?" Darren asks, following him but not sitting.

"It doesn't matter. I just can't be with you. That's that."

"No. That's not fair, Chris. At least tell me why." Darren's trying to keep calm. He's starting to feel slightly light headed and hopes he can get through this without passing out, vomiting, or breaking down completely.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt, Darren. That's why."

"I would never hurt you, Chris. You know me. Even if we broke up at some point, we would always be friends," Darren explains.

"Ugh, Darren! You don't know that!" the younger man spits out, standing back up.

"You mean… you think I'll hurt you," the older replies. "Why would you think that?"

Darren's not angry, just hurt. He wants to understand why Chris would ever think something like that about him.

"You're not  _out_ , Darren. And you've never been with another guy before," his costar explains.

"But I  _know_  I have feelings for you. I've thought about this,  _a lot,_ and I  _know_  that I'm bi. I  _always_  have been, I just never took my feelings seriously. I always assumed it was just a phase or a fluke or something- And I know that's seriously hypocritical and rude and awful, I know, but I understand now. I do," Darren explains. He knows that he's starting to edge toward 'desperate' but he doesn't care; he has to get this out. "Please, Chris. Please be with me. I- I love you. And I'll come out to the whole world first if that'll make you want to be with me. I swear I will."

"Maybe it  _is_  a phase," Chris says quietly.

Darren pauses at this, trying to reign in all of his swirling thoughts.

"What?" Darren's chest is starting to hurt- ' _Huh. So this is what your heart breaking feels like,'_ he thinks. "You think that I'd lead you on? You really think I'd do that? Have some huge epiphany or something and then leave you when I realize that you're a guy? Or when I tell people that we're together and they judge me for it or something? Do you really not know me at all, Chris?"

"I don't know what to think, Darren! I'm sorry! You just don't know what being out is like! People look at you differently and treat you differently. It could ruin your career and your relationships and your life. And we've been best friends for practically three years now and I think that maybe I have feelings for you too, but I can't do this with you. I can't get hurt, not by you. You're the first best  _male_  friend I've ever had and I can't ruin that, I can't.  _I_ …  _can't_ ," Chris replies, his voice getting louder and then falling so much that the last statement is barely audible.

Darren looks like he could be sick any minute. He's pale and his breathing is shallow and he can't quite find any words with which to respond to what his best friend's just said.

So he nods. He nods and then quickly turns and leaves the trailer. He flees. Like a coward - like the coward Chris said he is - he walks as quickly as possible - moving almost mechanically, to his trailer, climbs the steps, enters, locks the door, and then slumps to the ground, totally spent.

* * *

Chris doesn't feel a whole lot better than Darren does. He sits back down on the couch when his friend leaves, dumbstruck. He's not quite sure what just happened or why. He rejected Darren. Why'd he do that? Chris knows on some level that Darren would never hurt him but Chris has never been in a public relationship before and doesn't want to start out by being publicly rejected when the other guy suddenly comes to his senses.

So he cries. He cries for himself, for his wasted opportunity and for Darren because he feels awful for him, but mostly because he thinks that he may have just done what he'd been trying to avoid: ruining one the best relationships he'd ever had. Darren looked absolutely beaten when he'd left. He hadn't even put up a decent fight. He'd just left. Because he knew what Chris's last "I can't" had meant. It'd meant more than just that they couldn't be together romantically; it meant that Chris was totally lost for words. He was lost and didn't have any clue where to go from there.

And that's how he feels now. And worse, Darren probably hates him now. Chris had killed two birds with one stone - but not in the positive way that people usually used the phrase. He'd killed all chances of ever being with the man he was pretty sure he might love and he'd also ruined the friendship he'd forged with that same man. He had literally killed two relationships with that simple "I can't" and now Chris doesn't know what to do to fix either of them.

* * *

Darren on the other hand has no coherent thoughts going through his head at the moment. He's sitting numbly on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest and his head in his hands. His chest hurts like there's a 100-pount weight pressing on it, and his head feels clouded like he's just woken up from a really deep sleep, and his eyes are tearing up but he can't find the energy to actually cry, like his body's so shocked that it can't quite remember how.

So he sits there. He sits there for an hour until he realizes that he's sitting on the floor of his trailer in front of the door and get up to go sit on the couch instead.

It's another hour until he falls into a dreamless sleep and another two until he wakes up again to realize that he could've gone home after his conversa- after filming today.

But he doesn't have the energy to get up yet so he just lays there on the couch for a little while, slowly feeling less and less numb and more and more awful. Soon his body's remembered how to produce tears again and he's crying silently into the throw pillow on the couch.

He's not even sure why exactly he's so sad. He knew that there was a chance that Chris would reject him. He just didn't think that it would go down the way it did and feel the way it does now that it's over.

It's close to 10pm (about 5 hours after he'd finished filming) when he finally works up the energy to go home.

* * *

He gets back to his apartment and finds its emptiness lonely, not peaceful like he normally does. He makes himself a bowl of cereal because he feels like he should eat something but starts feeling nauseous after two spoon-fulls and throws it out.

Around midnight he falls asleep on the couch to the quiet sounds of a Disney movie playing on the tv screen in front of him.

_"Out of the sea… wish I could be… part of your world."_


	2. Avoiding the Subject

The last few days of filming are hell. Chris and Darren both try to avoid each other and both know it. They're also using all of their available acting abilities to try to keep cool under the pressure- especially during any scenes in which they have to be together.

The worst is when Darren (as Blaine obviously) and Chris (Kurt) have a kissing scene in the series' finale. After the last take, Darren flees (again) to his trailer, plugs his earphones into his ears and listens to music for the next two hours until it's time to film his next scene.

Chris, being much more versed in the ways of hiding internal conflict, manages to continue acting relatively normal throughout the day, chatting with his fellow cast mates and rehearsing for upcoming scenes (even though he already knows all of his lines by heart).

At the end of the day, Darren ducks out of going out with everyone for dinner, saying that he's tired - which is understandable, and wants to go to sleep.

So he goes home. He sits by himself at his desk, mindlessly surfing the internet for two hours before his phone buzzes in his pocket.

There's a text from Dianna. He opens it, not sure if he really wants to read what it says, though.

_"Why aren't you here? We miss you."_

Wishing he hadn't looked at the text in the first place, he quickly taps out an answer.

_"At home. Tired. Miss you too. Sorry."_

He knows it's not like him to give such short answers, especially to one of his friends, but he just doesn't have the energy to keep pretending he's okay anymore- but nor does he want to talk about the problem either.

His phone buzzes again a few moments later. God, why did Dianna have to care so much? It's mean, he knows, and completely illogical, but he just wants to be left alone. Since he's exhausted but cannot sleep, he reads the reply text, against his better judgment.

_"What's wrong? Do you want me to come over and we can talk? Or are you doing alright on your own? You know you can always call me if you want to talk, right? I'm always available. Any time of day."_

He smiles at this. He loves Dianna, he really does, they've grown really close lately and he knows that she cares about him, but he just wants to forget. He doesn't want to have a reason to remember the awful conversation from the week before. He just wants to live in some imaginary world where he doesn't have to care so much about people, where you can never get hurt by people you love, who you thought- no,  _know_  love you back. He shakes his head, trying to rid his mind of the memories that are trying to snake their way back in.

He texts back, hoping to put her at ease so he can try again to get some sleep.

_"I'm fine. And yes, I know I that can always talk to you. Thanks for always being there. You know I'd do the same for you, right? Any time."_

Not even waiting for any sort of reply, he plugs his phone in to charge, closes his laptop, turns off the light in his room, and falls into bed, hoping that he'll fall asleep soon- because dream land sounds so much more attractive than reality right now.

* * *

Chris, on the other hand, takes Lea and Mark up on their offer to hang out after filming, so around 9pm, he gets a ride with Harry to a nearby bar where everyone's meeting. He hasn't heard whether or not Darren is going too, and isn't sure whether he hopes Darren will be there or not. It turns out that Darren is, in fact, not there, and Chris lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes his costar's absence.

An hour or two later, he's sitting with Dianna at the large booth that the group of actors has claimed. She has her mango daiquiri in one hand and her cell phone in the other.

"What's up?" The blond asks, looking up from her phone. "What aren't you dancing anymore? You were totally on fire out there!" She giggles and nudges him jokingly.

"Ugh! I cannot club dance, I'm sorry! Kevin, Harry and Heather should teach a club dancing  _class_! I'd be so much less awkward!" He groans, covering his face and laughing.

"Oh, you are not that bad! At least you look better than Lea does when she's had a few drinks. Honestly, I think that girl sometimes forgets how tiny she is and thinks she can keep up with the rest of us! Not the case!" She looks over at Lea who's sitting across the table from them, looking a bit dazed as she watches the people on the dance floor.

"I know! I swear, that girl could probably get drunk off of one shot," Chris adds, nodding to Dianna.

"And she's not like Darren, who at least has muscle and weight to make up for his lack of height, ya know?"

Chris's heart leaps when he hears Darren's name, and looks down at the table.

Dianna, ever observant, even when slightly tipsy, notices and her brow furrows.

"What's wrong? 'You okay?" she asks, putting her hand out to her young friend.

"No, yeah, I'm fine. No problem," Chris replies, obviously lying.

"You can talk to me, ya know," Dianna says. Chris merely shrugs, looking at the dance floor instead of back at his friend. "What is with boys and avoiding their feelings? Honestly! I just texted Darren to ask what was up with  _him_  and he said the same exact thing: 'I'm fine.' I'm not an idiot, you know. The least you could do is tell me the truth and say that you don't want to talk about it," she continues. Then to herself she adds "Boys. I will never understand you guys."

"There's really no problem, Dianna, honestly. Darren and I just sort of had a tense conversation last week but it's fine, really."

Dianna's slightly concerned now because she knows what that talk was most likely about and based on the way the two boys are acting, it couldn't have ended well.

"Again with the 'it's fine'," she says exasperatedly.

"Ok, it's not  _fine_ , but I'll live. We had a… disagreement, but we'll be fine. We just need some space, time apart from each other," the brunette explains.

Dianna purses her lips, glancing at her phone where the last text from Darren is still illuminated on the screen.

 _'God, Chris doesn't know the half of it,'_ she thinks.  _'This really needs to be dealt with before it has the time to sit and fester.'_

"Can I ask what happened?" Dianna asks gently. "You don't have to tell me, of course. I just thought maybe I can help. If it's private, then obviously it's not any of my business, but I just thought, maybe…?" Dianna doesn't think that she's ever been quite this gently passive-aggressive about anything in her life. Good acting practice, I guess, she figures, shrugging to herself.

"I don't really want to talk about, Di," Chris replies, finally returning eye contact. "What happened happened, and we just both need to get over it. I'll be okay. I've done this before, trust me."

With that, he gets up and goes back out onto the dance floor to chat with Heather who's been dancing with Kevin.

She looks over at Lea, who's now laying with her head resting on her arms that are crossed on top of the table, and sighs.

Getting over people. Yeah, Dianna knows what that's like.

She taps out a final reply to Darren.

_"I know, Dare. Good night. :)"_

* * *

Darren tries to sleep. It's past two in the morning now and he guesses he's only been asleep for about half an hour in total over the past three since Dianna sent her last text - he'd seen it when he had woken up again twenty minutes ago and decided to just give up on sleep and surf the web again for a bit.

The internet gets extremely boring when you're exhausted and its almost 4 in the morning, so he retires back into his bedroom where he snags just over three more hours of peaceful sleep before waking up to his phone buzzing next to him on the bed at ten in the morning.

_"When does filming end again? We miss you here and want you back."_

Joey always knew how to make Darren smile but today Darren's just still too tired to find the energy to do so. He remembers the saying about how it takes more muscles to frown than smile and wonders how many muscles it takes to toss your phone onto the floor - which he then does - before getting up and slowly stalking into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.


	3. Stress Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter. sorry.

The season ends the way it had begun for Darren and Chris- stressfully.

Chris has replaced the stress caused by having conflicting feelings about- and then getting over Darren with the stress of working on both a new feature film and releasing the sequel to  _The Land of Stories_.

Darren's stressed just because he's conscious. Maybe it's the recent rejection, the fact that he hasn't had a decent night's sleep in three weeks, or that he really misses his Starkid friends, but he's just feeling really stressed out right now. He feels like he can't think straight anymore, like his ADHD-like behavior has increased ten-fold, while at the same time his body has started flooding his veins with adrenaline and simultaneously cut out all of the endorphins, he's strung out like an addict and exhausted like an overworked racehorse.

And to make matters worse, both men are constantly being asked questions and expected to give satisfactory answers about Glee, which only leads back to memories of each other. Chris is a champion debater, though, and has excellent focus, so he doesn't find this as taxing as Darren tends to. These days, Darren just sort of pulls his answers from things that other people have said, not having the brain power to create his own opinions on things. He tries to avoid talking about Klaine and Chris as much as possible but it's hard since the show's ended and gleeks tend to hold onto tiny details like magnets for as long as possible.

After a month or two of keeping up the act, though, Darren's ready to collapse. He hasn't slept for more than three hours at a time in over a month, he can barely get through an interview about  _Glee_  without having to do deep breathing exercises afterwards to keep from having a mental breakdown. He misses his friends and family so badly sometimes that it almost hurts.

Luckily, though, he gets to see them by mid-July, after most of the glee hype has finally died down. He knows that they'll be able to tell that something is bothering him but he hopes that maybe they'll be able to help him so he can finally sleep at night, eat three regular meals a day, and find the energy and desire to shave his face - he's starting to look like some sort of cave man and it's making him feel even worse.

He gets to Chicago on a Sunday afternoon. He'd spent the week before with his parents and Chuck, and then took a connecting flight from San Fransisco to Chicago on Saturday.

Meeting his friends at the airport had been a strange and slightly surreal experience. It didn't seem like they'd recognized him at first, but when they did, he was pretty sure everyone had teared up at the long-awaited reunion.

Darren'd hoped that being with his friends again would help, but it didn't really seem to be helping at all. Sure, being with them helps him focus a bit on music and acting, but he still can't carry out a conversation about Glee without freaking out, he still doesn't have the desire to eat as much as he used to, or even feel the desire to do or care much about anything at all. He isn't even sure if he requires as much sleep as normal people anymore, as he seems to be functioning adequately with only about an hour per night now. And he doesn't even care. Everything just feels so pointless now - even having fun.

The rest of the Starkids can tell that something is bothering their friend and have come to the conclusion that it has something to do with Glee, and more specifically, Chris Colfer, as Darren becomes especially quiet when his Glee costar is mentioned. Their problem is now that they don't know how to help him. It's obvious that Darren and Chris must've had some sort of falling out that triggered this massive change in Darren's demeanor but without knowing any of the details, his friends are at a loss as to how to proceed.

Chris, back in California, if the Team were to call him, would be very worried about his friend. Since the hiatus has started, all of his writing has helped him clear his head and relieve a lot of the stress that had been brought on by the end of Glee. But he's realized how stupid he's been. He's tried calling Darren a few times since filming has ended, hoping to start patching things up with him, but every time he'd call, Darren didn't answer. After two months of not hearing from his friend, he calls some of his former glee costars to see if they've heard from him at all. Outside of Comic-Con and few texts, emails, and the occasional phone conversation, Darren's basically fallen off the grid.

When he starts thinking the worst - that Darren's somehow died or been kidnapped, and no one has told him, or that worse still, he's still avoiding him, he convinces himself that he's just being paranoid.

But Darren, in fact,  _has_  been avoiding him. Every time the Starkids mention him, he goes quiet, his chest starts hurting, and he can't breathe properly. He knows that something's wrong with him, but he's just too worn down to care all that much. He'd rather sit in his new temporary (a 6-month lease) apartment and listen to music really loudly. To try to get him out of his funk- although the group is pretty certain it's more serious than just that, Lauren and Evanna – who's back in Chicago to work with the Starkids on their next production - suggest that they have a musical marathon.

They start with  _The Lion King_  because it's Disney and they think that it'll make Darren smile, but it only seems to raise his spirits a little bit. They continue on to  _RENT_ ,  _Chicago_ ,  _Les Miserables_ , and finally  _Once_. The movies don't make Darren quite as happy as they'd hoped but at least he doesn't look  _quite_  as downtrodden as has for the past week or so.

Over the next few days, though, when Darren seems even more distracted than he had been before and spends half of his time holed up in his apartment and barely answers his phone, the Team decides that their friend might benefit from some professional help. Maybe if  _they_  can't help him, someone with real training will be able to. So they schedule an appointment for their friend for two days in the future, hoping to get him some help as soon as possible.


	4. Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> featured song: "All The Way Down" by Glen Hansard

Two evenings later, a few hours after returning with Darren from his doctor's appointment, Joe gets a call from Lauren telling him to check Darren's YouTube page. So he does. And after no new posts for almost three years, there's a new video, titled "All The Way Down" with today's date below it.

* * *

Halfway across the country, Chris Colfer is watching the same video.

There is no introduction like there usually is. Just a newly-clean shaven Darren Criss sitting cross legged on a rumpled bed with his acoustic guitar on his knee, wearing what looks like dirty clothes, singing the saddest song anyone has probably ever heard him sing, ever.

_"You have broken me all the way down_

_Down upon my knees_

_And you have broken me all the way down_

_You'll be the last, you'll see."_

As the song continues, Darren looks more and more tired and sad, which accentuates how frail he looks. He's paler and thinner than he was when Glee ended, and his eyes, which have dark circles under them, aren't shining with intensity like they used to when he performed.

It's after the song's ended, and he's watched it twice more, that Chris notices the video description below.

_"All The Way Down" by Glen Hansard. Cover by Darren Criss._

_You know that feeling you get when you find yourself lost in an unfamiliar place and for a second you panic before you remember that you're allowed to look dumb and ask someone for directions? What if there's no one around to ask directions_ _of_ _? Does the panic go away eventually?_

The question instantly worries not only Chris but everyone else who's watched the video. Comments have been disabled on YouTube, but people start texting each other, posting concerned notes on various blog sites, and have #Hugs4Darren trending in the United States within the next two hours following the video's release.

* * *

When #Hugs4Darren has reached the rank of third most popular trend on twitter, and the performer's cell phone has gone unanswered almost two dozen times, a quarter of Team Starkid finally  _demands_  entry into Darren's apartment. The small group is greeted by a slightly disheveled Darren Criss, wearing a crumpled pair of sweatpants and t-shirt. He's changed his clothes and showered since he posted the video only hours earlier but it only makes him look slightly less ragged.

"Yes?" Darren prompts, looking completely exhausted.

"Can we please come in?" Evanna asks gently after the rest of the gaping group remains silent for a few seconds too long. She doesn't know Darren as well as the other Starkids do, but no one wants Darren to shut the door on them before someone else can work out something to say.

Darren doesn't answer; he simply steps aside, much like he did for Dianna only months before, and lets them in.

After finding a space to sit down in the living room, everyone watches with rapt attention as Joey turns to their hurting friend.

"Darren," Joey starts. Darren blinks once, then looks up from the floor, his previous point of focus. "Please talk to us." He puts his hand on Darren's back, hoping to offer some physical comfort to his friend.

Then, to everyone's surprise and concern, Darren doesn't say anything, he just starts crying. Silently at first, tears stream down his face, but then he puts his face in his hands and starts bawling. It's the most painful thing that most of his friends have ever seen. Darren's one of the most cheerful, goofy, charming, and all-around great guys they've ever seen, so to witness him break down so completely is actually quite startling.

After about ten minutes, when all of his tears are drying up and his hiccups are starting to impede his breathing, Darren finally passes out. He'd taken the medication that he'd been prescribed earlier today about a half hour earlier, and he's glad to start getting pulled under.

About an hour later, after the effects of the pills have worn off and the muscles in his back are protesting because he's fallen asleep slumped at an odd angle against Joey's shoulder, he wakes up. Everyone's still there, to his surprise, and slight annoyance. He sort of wishes that they'd left while he was sleeping. But, alas, they're all still here, now watching him as he pulls himself into an upright position, his back cracking once or twice as he does so.

"Feeling any better?" Joe asks as Joey hands him a glass of water from the table in front of them.

"Not quite as tired, thanks to the meds," Darren answers, accepting the water and taking a sip.

Joe raises his eyebrows, showing that that wasn't the answer that he'd been looking for.

"I guess I haven't been really feeling like myself lately," Darren adds, shrugging.

"Why didn't you  _say_  something? We could've helped you way earlier, Darren. You know that you can talk to us - any of us, about anything, right? We care about you, Dare. We hate seeing you like this, so sad and broken. Why didn't you talk to someone? We didn't know what to do."

"I didn't think you'd care. I mean, not that you wouldn't, but it didn't really seem that important. I mean, I'm dealing with it  _now,_ right, so what's the big deal?" He looks around, actually looking for an answer, but no one seems to have a good one for him.

"I feel awful saying this, Darren, but what the fuck is wrong with you?" Lauren asks. "You think that this isn't a big deal? This is a huge deal, Darren! And I mean this in the nicest way possible, mind you, but you look like crap. You've lost probably ten pounds, are getting to be about as pale as Evy - no offense, Ev - and you've turned into even more of an insomniac than you were before. That's a really big deal, Darren. If we weren't here with you, I'm terrified to think of what might've happened by next month," she continues. Everyone's teary-eyed by the end of her short monologue.

Darren nods, suddenly realizing how stupid he's been.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Darren. We don't need an apology. We just want you to feel better," Meredith replies.

Everyone nods and Darren half-shrugs, still somehow not fully convinced that traveling this path toward conversation is worth it.

"Will you tell us what's wrong? We sort of already have an idea but…" Joey asks.

Under normal circumstances, Darren might be slightly offended that his friends had been talking about him behind his back, but now he doesn't care much about anything so the mention of it doesn't really faze him.

"I'm just so tired," Darren begins. "So tired of everything. I feel too much and I can't tell any of the feelings apart anymore. Everything just feels bad. Music doesn't even help anymore because I can't focus and just end up frustrated with it."

He pauses to think. He's never thought about his current mental state until just now and putting his feelings into words is harder to do than he thought.

"What else?" Lauren asks gently, obviously seeing that he has more to say but isn't quite sure how to start again.

"Food is gross," he begins again. "Nothing tastes good and I'm hardly hungry anymore. You guys  _watched_  me eat half of that hamburger the other day and then I went home and puked because I felt so awful," he finishes miserably.

"Oh, Darren," Meredith chimes in, rushing to him and giving him a quick hug before returning to her original place on the floor.

"And I feel like Ron with his chocolate bar," Darren continues, after a moment or two. Evanna is the only one who seems to instantly understand the reference - the rest of his friends look like they're wracking their brains.

Seeing that everyone else seems lost and that Darren's running out of words, Evy quotes, with appropriate vocal inflection, hoping to coax a smile out of their friend, the line that Darren is referring to. "I have these pains in my chest and I just know it's her fault, that bitch."

Darren nods, smiling for the first time in what seems like ages- even if it fades almost as quickly as it had appeared. The rest of the Team looks first, impressed, at Evy, then concerned again, at Darren.

"So, the song…?" Lauren starts.

"Chris," Darren simply states.

The Team nods and looks to him to continue.

"We talked back in April. I told him that I-," he chokes for a moment then continues. "-that I love him."

"He didn't return your feelings?" Joe asks, remembering the conversation from many months before when they'd discussed Darren's sexuality confusion and Joe's suspicions about the source of his friend's sudden confusion.

But Darren shakes his head after a moment. "No, he did." He takes a deep breath, trying to keep it together long enough to force himself through this conversation. "He doesn't know me at all."

"What do you mean, 'he did'?" Lauren asks.

"He felt the same way, he just didn't want to be with me. I told him that I'm bisexual, that I'd known for months that I was, but… He said it was a phase; that I'd realize one day that I wasn't actually attracted to men anymore, or that being out wasn't worth it, and that I would leave him. He didn't want that to happen so we couldn't be together. It wasn't that he didn't return my feelings. It was so much worse than that because he  _did_ , he just didn't trust me to not hurt him."

"Has he tried to talk to you since? Maybe he's realized how much of an idiot he was?" Joe asks, praying that the answer will be a positive one.

"A few of the gleeks talked to me a little for a month or so after the season ended, but not in a while. Chris called me a few weeks ago but I never listened to the message," Darren replies, starting to choke up. "I can't- I can't talk to him. If I even think about him for too long my chest hurts and I feel like I'm going to throw up. That song was probably the closest I've ever gotten to saying something  _to_  him or  _about_  him in months, but I think I almost had a panic attack in the process. It sounds stupid, I know, but he would just make everything feel worse than it already does. Even when I'm not thinking about him, I feel like crap; I don't need to feel worse over something I can't help."

Joey's rubbing Darren's back again and Meredith's suddenly perched on the arm of the couch again, hugging Darren like she did before.

"It sounds like maybe you need to talk to someone, Darren," Meredith suggests. Darren looks up at her, looking both frightened and confused. "I don't mean Chris - you don't have to talk to him ever again if you don't want to – I mean like a professional; like a psychologist. You're depressed, Darren. You're not just sad, you're totally broken. I've never seen you like this and it's scary. You shouldn't have to feel like this anymore, Dare."

Everyone nods - Darren included.


	5. Attempts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter. sorry!!

Over the next few weeks, things improve just enough for people to notice. Darren's added another prescription to his daily routine- this one, an antidepressant that his new psychiatrist gave him, and he's starting to feel slightly better. The most obvious change is that he's actually sleeping now, so the circles under his eyes have receded, and he's eating a bit more, so he doesn't look quite so skinny.

By the end of August, he's actually starting to  _feel_  better. He can focus enough to help his friends write music and lines for their upcoming shows, and he can find the energy to simply listen to music and watch tv - things that he used to find totally mindless activities. He still has off days – as expected, but overall, he's feeling much better.

* * *

Darren actually can't wait to start work again so he can keep his momentum going, and he wants to go to a concert again because he misses the atmosphere, and he wants to go out with his friends because he just misses hanging out with them.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes things really  _are_ too good to be true. Sometimes fast changes aren't always the best ones, and sometimes things have to get a little worse before they can get better.

A warm day in late August seems like a great day for the group of friends to go to an art fair, but what feels like déjà vu from a month earlier begins to set in when half of the Team has called him and no one's gotten an answer.

Upon demanding entry again to their friend's house within the hour of everyone calling, they get nothing. It's only because Joe has the copy of the spare key with him that they get inside.

What they find inside is slightly startling. Darren's place is totally trashed, as if someone had scoured the place looking for something. Darren himself is curled up on his bed, pale and sweating, hugging his knees to his chest. His eyes are shut tight and his face is striped with tear tracks. It's Joe this time who approaches their friend. He just crouches down next to Darren's small form, and touches his shoulder lightly. Darren moans and blinks open his eyes.

"Leave me alone," he groans. His friends approach cautiously.

"What's wrong, Darren?" Joe asks evenly.

"I don't know," their friend answers wetly. "And I don't want to talk about it. Please just leave me alone. I didn't invite you in. You have no right being here anyway. Leave."

"I'm not going anywhere, Darren," Joe replies matter-of-factly.

"Why not? I would," Darren states miserably.

"What do you mean?"

"Everything's stupid. It sucks. Everything's awful.  _I'm_ awful, so awful."

"No, Darren, don't say that. You're not awful, you're great, you're just having a hard time," Lauren chimes in.

"And your mood doesn't define who you are," Joey adds. "It just means you feel bad. It doesn't make you a bad person."

"But I'm so stupid. Stupid and ugly and useless. I'm so useless," Darren says, sounding dazed.

"You are not useless, Darren," Joe says with an even tone. "You have helped so many people. You've helped all of us. You're such a great friend, Darren. Don't ever think you're useless."

"Then why do I feel so useless? I feel like crap… all the time. I thought things were better but they aren't. They're not going to get better. It's all just a waste."

Lauren, squaring her shoulder, stalks up to Darren's bed, crouched down in front of his face, and roughly grasps his shoulder.

"Now you listen to me, Darren Criss. You are not a waste. Now, if you don't believe that now, then fine, but we're just going to keep telling you over and over and bothering you forever until you do. Understand?" She raises her eyebrows so express that she's expecting an answer.

Darren simply lowers his eyes so he doesn't have to look at his friend anymore.

"When did this start, Darren?" Evanna asks, reminding Lauren that other people were still in the room.

"What start?" Darren groans.

"When did you start feeling like this? Was it before or after you talked to Chris?" she elaborates.

"I don't know," he sighs. "Before, I guess. Dianna came to talk to me about it. I told her how I felt about Chris. I thought that was why I was feeling so bad: I liked him but hadn't told him. But that just made everything worse."

"Darren, have you told your psychiatrist any of this?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter because it's not helping. Talking just makes things worse. The meds don't even seem to help anymore. Nothing helps."

"Well, I guess you'll just have to keep trying. Right?" Joey adds.

Darren shrugs.


	6. Returns

A month later, halfway through September, The Starkids are all working on opening their next show. Dylan and Jamie are starring, Evanna, Joey, and Joe Walker are all getting a fair few lines, Darren's happily written the music and lyrics, and everyone else is just glad to get to sing and dance and have fun.

After a long day of working – which actually consisted of mostly talking over one another in an attempt to be heard until Nick flipped all the lights off, plunging the room into darkness, getting everyone's attention so some actual order could be brought to the group – Darren comes home to his now-clean apartment ready to go to bed.

But a message on his phone catches his attention before he can plug it in to charge.

He purses his lips, takes a breath, and presses the button that takes him to his voicemail.

_"Hey Darren, it's Chris. Please don't delete this message before you listen to it! I promise I'm not calling because I'm mad at you! I'm calling because I need to apologize. I was awful to you back in April. I've felt awful about it ever since and I need to apologize so you know how truly sorry I am. You don't have to forgive me or anything- I wouldn't want to forgive me either; I just needed to tell you how sorry I am. If you want to talk, feel free to call. I lo- I miss you. Bye, Dare."_

Chris called him 'Dare'. Just like he used to.

Darren's suddenly overwhelmed and starts pacing. After a few panicked minutes of that, he grabs his phone, his keys, and throws on some shoes and runs down a flight of stairs to Joe's apartment and knocks hurriedly on the door.

A minutes later, Darren's playing the message for his friend and staring quite bewilderedly at his cell phone on the table.

"What do you want to do, Darren?" Joe asks.

"I- I don't know. I don't know," Darren replies breathily.

"Close your eyes," Joe instructs suddenly.

"What?"

"Just do it."

So Darren closes his eyes. He closes his eyes and tries to clear his head as much as he can.

"Take a deep breath," Joe commands. Darren breathes. "What do you feel right now?"

"Weird."

" _What_ not  _how_ ," Joe repeats.

"Oh. …Fear." Darren pauses, his eyes still closed, but his brow slightly furrowed. Joe waits for him to continue. "I don't know what do and it scares me. I don't know what I want." The curly-haired actor pauses again. "But it's Chris."

"And?" Joe prompts. He'd read about this exercise in a book once and it was the first thing that came to mind when he saw how incredibly lost and overwhelmed Darren looked, but he wasn't a psychologist; he had no idea what he was actually doing right now.

"I love him," Darren says simply. He opens his eyes and looks around. "I love him."

Joe tries to hide a smile - he's not sure if Darren's happy with his conclusion or not and doesn't want to upset his friend further.

Darren takes a breath, squares his shoulders, nods, grabs his phone and walks determinately to Joey's bedroom and closes the door.

Darren sets his phone on the dresser, crosses to the bed on the opposite wall, and sits down, staring at the phone. After a few calming breaths, he crosses back to the dresser and dials the number he knows by heart and waits while it rings.

 _"Hello?"_ Chris asks from the other end of the country.

"Hi," Darren answers timidly.

 _"Hi,"_ Chris replies, sounding just as nervous. _"You got my message."_

"I did. I forgive you."

 _"Why? I was awful to you. I was a coward. I didn't want to take the risk. And I called_ you _a coward. You're not a coward Darren, you're not. I wish I hadn't said that to you."_

"It's ok. I forgive you," Darren repeats, not quite sure what else to say.

 _"I miss you, Darren,"_ Chris states.  _"You probably never want to see me again so I guess_

_it doesn't really matter, but I do miss you."_

Darren takes a breath, trying to collect his thoughts. "I miss you too,… Chris. I miss you too."

 _"Can we maybe try to be friends again? You probably don't have anything but harsh feelings towards me now but I would really like to be your friend again, Darren,"_ Chris asks.

"I'd love to be friends with you. And I don't feel any differently about you than I did before, Chris. I mean, sure, my feelings have been a little out of control over the past few months, but I'm dealing with it so…"

_"The song…?"_

"About you. I- I started feeling really down before I even told you that- but then I did and I just felt worse and worse and… Well, now I'm on meds and stuff and my friends here are helping so I'm getting better, I guess," Darren explains, finishing meekly with a shrug.

_"I'm so sorry, Darren. I never meant to hurt you."_

"It's ok. It wasn't your fault. The- the  _situation_  just didn't really  _help_ it, I guess."

 _"Do you still feel the same way? About me, I mean"_ Chris isn't sure if this is the right question to ask but its burning inside him and has to get out.

"Yeah," Darren replies shortly. "Do you?"

 _"No,"_ Chris starts, trying to pick his words carefully.  _"I'm not afraid like I was. I feel awful for rejecting you like I did. I was such a coward - god, I guess I learned nothing from Blaine, right? 'Courage' and all that."_

Darren just nods, but realizes that Chris can't see him and hums in affirmation.

_"I do love you, though, Darren. I should've just admitted it. You probably don't want to be with me anymore, though, so I guess I just have to get over you. Right?"_

"Chris, I never got over you in the first place. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I just hate that I haven't been able to think about you for months. The song, though. Everything it said was true, but I never stopped loving you. I still love you. I love you," Darren says wetly. "I don't know what that even means anymore though."

_"When are you going home next? To California, I mean."_

"I- I don't know. Starkid is putting on a show in a month so I have to keep working on that."

_"Could I come see it?"_

"Of course you can come see it. No one's barring you from the venue."

_"I mean, would you want me there? Would it just hurt you to have me there?"_

"I would… really like you to be there, Chris. I would love to have you come see it."

_"I'll be there, then."_

A month later, after several more phone calls, text messages, and emails between the two men, Chris arrives at O'Hare International Airport at around 2 in the afternoon on a Thursday. The air is tense- almost buzzing, when Darren and Joey pick him up, but as the day continues, things relax.

Darren's still mostly avoiding eye contact with Chris, Chris is still feeling like he's walking on egg shells, and the rest of the Team is just trying to make sure everyone's still functioning properly.

That Saturday, two days later, Chris and Darren are walking a little ahead of the rest of the small group of friends that have decided to go out for the day to get out of the house. The two are mostly just chatting and trying to get comfortable with each other again, but when a biker comes out of nowhere around a corner and Chris jumps back onto the curb and grabs Darren's hand for support, the Starkids all brace themselves.

But Darren doesn't react badly. He takes Chris' hand and laces their fingers together, glancing up at his friend to see if it's alright. Chris just smiles and squeezes his friend's hand, happy that things are finally starting to return to normal.

When the group reaches the city park, Chris and Darren sit down on a bench together in silence. Their hands are still clasped and they're both off in their own little worlds, pondering what this new connection means.

But then Chris turns to Darren and opens his mouth to speak.

"Have you talked to Di recently?" Chris asks.

"No. She called a little while back but I never actually spoke to her. Sent her a text but that's it."

"We talked last week. She's thinking of having a New Directions reunion, but with half of us now halfway across the country, it might be hard to find a time to have one. What d'you think?"

"About a reunion? Isn't it sort of soon? I mean, it hasn't even been a year," Darren replies, not sure what to say.

"Well, yeah, but you know how Di is," he answers, smiling.

"True," Darren agrees. "It might be fun, seeing everyone again. Would you go?"

"I would like to if I can," Chris answers, not sure how to answer.

Darren hums and nods, looking overwhelmed again.

"Darren, can I tell you something?" Chris promps. He feels like he's walking on egg shells again and afraid to make a wrong move but he doesn't know how else to talk to Darren anymore.

His friend nods, looking at him with innocently wide eyes.

"I believed you, back then. I didn't ever think that you were going through a phase. I just didn't want to have to deal with getting hurt. I feel like so much of my life has been devoted to self-preservation that now I just instantly go into defense mode. I'm so sorry that I didn't believe you. I did the same thing Kurt did to Blaine and I feel awful. I know you said you forgive me but I don't know if I can forgive myself," Chris explains. "I don't know how to rebuild relationships. I've had so few serious ones and even fewer falling outs that I don't know how to do this. I'm totally lost."

"I can help… maybe," Darren offers, sounding like a much younger man.

"Would you?" Chris inquires. "Will you be with me? I know it's really rushed question but I don't know how else to do this. I can't just be friends with you after breaking both our hearts based on more serious feelings. If you're not comfortable with it, though, I completely understand. Being friends with you would be perfect – more than I'd ever expect, actually."

"Of course I'll be with you, Chris," Darren answers, tears in his eyes. "You're still my friend. We were just… taking a break… or something." He chuckles to himself at the absurdity of his explanation. "I still love you, though, so of course I'll be with you. I'll be whatever you want."

A tear slips down Darren's cheek, and Chris unconsciously raises his hand to it to wipe it away, his hand lingering there.

"Oh thank god," Chris says, his voice breaking. "I love you too, Darren, I love you too."

And they kiss. It only lasts a few seconds and it's wet from their falling tears, but it's passionate, and gentle, and perfect too. It's a platform to build on. It's something to share.


	7. Back to the Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shortest chapter yet. but it's the end so it's basically the conclusion paragraph of this essay (so to speak).
> 
> also, no, i don't necessarily condone Darren's quick and simply renewed trust in Chris, but it seemed in-character for him based on his current mental state. that said, Chris is trustworthy and in this *purely fictional* universe, he would never do anything to hurt Darren again and would go out of his way to take things slowly now they're together. just wanted to mention that.
> 
> **also note: i don't ship CrissColfer. yes, they'd be cute together in theory, the same way klaine is adorable together, but obviously they are not and will never be together in real life.**

Three months later, in December everyone's back where they were before.

The gleeks had all met up in California for their New Directions reunion a week before and are spending as much time as they could together before their paths all split off again.

Darren is out and will truthfully answer the question "Who are you dating?" whenever it's asked, but, like a professional, doesn't give away any saucy details.

Dianna is working on a play in New York and is ecstatic to get to work on a professional stage for the first time. Lea and Naya are both doing some more stage work too. Most of the gleeks are still working in film and some in music as well. Harry and Heather are both dancing, and Naya and Amber keep hinting that they want to start a band together, though no one can tell if they're being serious or just joking around.

* * *

Overall, life is fine. Darren will occasionally have off days, and Chris will try his hardest to make him smile again.

Both men are going to be New York-bound in a few months, Darren to start work on an off-Broadway musical, and Chris to start school at NYU in the coming fall.

Like most people – and especially performers, the gleeks aren't totally sure where the future is going to take them but at least they have their friends that they can always count on.

* * *

A full two years after glee had wrapped up filming for the last time, Darren and Chris rent a little apartment together in New York. Chris is getting sick of student housing, and Darren wants to move into a slightly nicer space – one with air conditioning that works consistently and a stove that doesn't spontaneously start leaking gas, so they decide to pool their money and sign a lease on a tiny studio apartment in the city.

With tons of boxes still left to unpack, the two boys tiredly plop down on the couch in front of Chris's laptop on the coffee table and pop in a movie.

Despite Chris's playful teasing that Darren is secretly just a child stuck in an adult's body, he agrees to watch Darren's choice of Disney movie.

It turns out that Chris doesn't even watch most of the movie because he falls asleep with his head in Darren's lap about only 5 minutes in.

Not caring if Chris can hear him or not, Darren sings along with Ariel and smiles down at Chris's peaceful face.

_"Out of the sea… wish I could be… part of your world."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE END!
> 
> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed it!


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